Selfish Last Words
by tomato-icecream
Summary: Unrequited one-sided Jearmin. Warning: character death. Love makes people do crazy things. Armin was supposed to go see the ocean with everyone someday, but he instinctively gave all that up to save Jean. The Jean that was now hovering over him pleading with him not to die. Armin has one last thing to say, he had to do this even if it was a cruel thing to do.


He's falling.

This is the first conscious thought Armin has in what feels like forever, and frankly it surprises him. He feels weightless, and his limbs jerk a little trying to gain purchase on something. It's a bit hard when he couldn't feel much of anything, but some parts of his back is tense enough to notice. Behind his eyes, colors burst and spark to blend together with darkness. The ringing in his ears die down to a bearable volume.

"…-min!"

It's wet too, maybe it's raining.

"Armin! Hey!"

'What?' He wills his eyes open, squinting against the sharp bolts of pain in his head. He sees eyes he knows, framed by that face he's so fond of. But that smirk he's used to seeing is replaced by a look of complete distraught. Something's wrong. Armin's body is shivering almost uncontrollably, his breaths short. His head begins to spin and threatens to slips back into the dark.

"C'mon buddy, stay with me," Armin feels demanding wet hands clamp onto the sides of his face.

"…J-Jean," he stammers out the word, teeth chattering.

"Hey, hey there, Armin," There's a breathy laugh that escapes Jean's throat. The hands on Armin's face loosens a bit, one lightly caressing his cold cheek. There are sighs of 'What the hell were you thinking, you fucking idiot'', and 'Dammit Armin, you're supposed to be the smart one here,' Yeah, this was Jean alright, his friend, his comrade, his… He opened his eyes once again.

"Jean, I-I..." a pained exhale gurgles up his throat, spilling out his mouth. This pooling warmth...blood, he realizes. He's lightheaded and it's getting harder to breathe.

"Shh, don't talk, don't talk," the soothing yet knowing arms wrap around Armin and lift him up into Jean's chest rocking softly, "you're gonna be ok, everything's gonna be ok."

Who are you trying to reassure, Jean?

That's right, the mission. This was going to be THE mission. The one that decided the fate of humanity once and for all. Everyone was fighting this one last time to end this; to finally break the walls from the inside, and make our advance to freedom. Everything was going so well, but we just got careless. There was one of the last 7 meter classes, and it was weakened down to the point nobody thought it could move anymore. Then it came at Jean all feverish, it definitely would have killed him right then and there. Armin remembers the icy cold chill washing over him and the repeated single syllable chanting in his head; No.

When this was all over, he was going to the ocean. With Eren and Mikasa of course, along with all the others from the scouting legion. Yet it felt a bit meaningless without Jean. It's a bit funny, really. He's pictured before what going to the ocean with everyone would be like. He'd have the whole vast ocean to marvel at all day long, but in the end his mind always landed on Jean. What would Jean make at all the new things they'll discover?

Before Armin realized it, he collided into Jean, pushing him out of the way of the oncoming titan. His body felt like lead, but he's done this long enough to overcome these kinds of handicaps. The titan took a giant swing at him this time, its massive hand shadowed over Armin, and leaping forward, he held the triggers of his gas as tightly as he could. It missed him for the most part, he'd thought, but he just wasn't quick enough. Its hand clipped in his torso, tossing him several meters away.

And now he lies here dying.

This isn't surprising really, what he did was a sure guarantee for this outcome. Honestly, he's blessed that it's this painless. This isn't as bad as he thought it to be, and he was able to save Jean. The Jean who is holding him so tightly yet so gently to avoid his injuries, but to think he had to be dying for this to happen.

Armin would have laughed, it's like he had an ulterior motive in dying. He feels like he's taking advantage of this weak spot of Jean's, because this is way more than he could ask for, really. This is so much more than he thought he'd ever get.

Because Jean doesn't feel the same way he does.

He couldn't feel the same way that Armin feels for him. There was just no way, Jean's too obvious. Armin's been watching long enough to read him like a book now. So he's certain that in Jean's eyes, all they share is friendship. Which is what it started off as really, Armin never would have dreamed for it to turn out like it did. Especially with how close to unbearable those first three years during training was with him, but he matured so much since then. He never would have considered Jean to be reliable, but there isn't a time that he let Armin down.

Of course, his praises. Jean has a way with words, and an amazing talent of finding things Armin is good at, and emphasizing how amazing they are. Armin was embarrassed to the point he was speechless, and Jean had a good laugh about it. But that eased whatever tension was left between them, thus earning a spot close to Armin's heart. At some point Jean bombarded him with friendly intimacy, the hair ruffling, the teasing, and the smirks with just one side of his mouth quirked up that skipped Armin's heart like a pebble on water. Those only intensified these growing feelings. Maybe it's because he's the first person other than Eren to treat him like he's worth something, but Jean made him feel good. About their shitty lives, about just about everything, but especially about himself.

Armin tried so hard to fight it, telling himself how stupid this was, and how unfair it is to Jean. Defiling their friendship, and betraying his trust by having these thoughts about him. Pushing back thoughts of his warmth, his smell, and imagining the feel of those slightly chapped lips brushing against Armin's neck. But one night, lying sleepless in bed; he finally admitted to himself that was completely in love with Jean, and there was no more fighting it. The slight brush of their hands when going over a blueprint of a plan or the lingering looks they shared were all selfishly skewed to Armin's wants. Kind of like right now, because really, who would ever want someone like him?

So he never thought to tell Jean how he felt, because he was too afraid. If Armin pushed too much, it could send it all crashing down. He wouldn't have been able to bear it if his feelings end up driving Jean away. He was content with where they were now, even though it hurt this much.

Tears burn in Armin's eyes. The realization hits him harder than that titan had. He was so good at thinking things through, and yet look at him now. He's never going to see the ocean, or see Eren or Mikasa again. They'll come looking for him for sure, but it'll only to cut their celebration short. Even to this day, he couldn't do anything right. So with what strength he had left, he pushes at Jean's shoulder. His breaths suffocating, heaving for air. Jean loosens his grip with a panicking look, his breathing also heavy.

"…Armin?"

If this is it, Armin at least wants Jean to know. It'll be the last thing he'll do, and there'll be no taking it back. Maybe the hazy sickness is clouding his judgment, but he feels selfish all of a sudden. Leaving Jean to live the rest of his life bearing this burden should be the last thing he should be doing, but he just can't stop anymore.

Jean flinches in surprise when his lips touch his. A chaste kiss on the side of Jean's slightly tense mouth. Not exactly what he'd been intending, but Armin doesn't have much control of anything at this point, so he prays it'd do the trick. And it did, it seems, Armin's eyes soften at the changes in Jean's face. His blank face slowly turns into what Armin deduces as understanding, "Oh my god…Armin," Jean takes Armin's face into his shaking hands, softly butting their foreheads together. A sob rips its way out of his throat, "are you fucking serious? Why, why now?!" Jean crumbles, taking this in.

Armin musters an apologetic smile, tears spilling over onto his cheeks. Jean feels the slack in Armin's body, and scrambles to hold him back up.

"No, no, don't do this, Armin," Jean holds his limp body, shaking to rouse him, "open your eyes. You can't just-" his heavy breathing makes it hard to form the words, his throat burning, "C'mon, please." Jean doesn't even fight the tears anymore, blond strands stir in the puffs of his gasps. He buries his face into Armin's shoulder, the hood of the green raincoat muffling his cries.

The titans were gone and the battle was over, but it didn't feel like either side won.


End file.
